w4sex — bad dates

The last time I had sex with

someone new, twenty minutes was spent in my bathroom before the date staring down my own penis and delivering what I can only describe as a pre-game motivational speech usually reserved for nervous athletes before the… Continue →

4d

Was supposed to hookup with tinder match

last night but she was a noshow. Classic. I had already done the whole pre-game ritual, too. The tactical shower, the strategic spritz of cologne that says "I put in effort but I'm not trying too hard," and the mental… Continue →

4w

So last night rolled around, and I

was fresh out of fucks to give about anything that didn't involve a happy hour and a guaranteed score. My phone buzzed. Instabang. A new match. Her profile pic was pure gold—all teeth and a bikini that was probably… Continue →

1mo

I make a habit out of setting

up online dates and cancelling. It's my real hobby, honestly. My art form. The build-up is everything. I'll spend an hour crafting the perfect witty texts, picking out a shirt that says "I tried, but not too hard," and… Continue →

1mo

So I was fucking around on that

LickToLike app, the one where you swipe right to lick and left to like. Dumbest shit ever but it is better than Tinder at this point. Swiping through endless profiles of basic bitches and then I see her. Some chick, 22.… Continue →

1mo