I have three girls on the hook
that I've met online, and honestly, wrangling them is my new favorite sport. It's less about romance and more about being a master strategist in a very low-stakes, high-reward game of human chess.There's the intellectual one. She's got more letters after her name than I have in my contact list and wants to debate the finer points of modern art over a bottle of expensive wine. I've got a Wikipedia tab permanently open on my browser just for our conversations. Then there's the wild child. Her texts are a blur of sparkle emojis and all caps, and a night out with her apparently involves more glitter and bass drops than a Las Vegas revue. And finally, there's the cozy one. She's convinced my perfect evening is cuddling on the couch with a classic movie, which is adorable, because my perfect evening is actually deciding which one of their stories to believe.
My phone is basically mission control. I've got their personalities compartmentalized like classified files. The intellectual gets the "thoughtful guy" act—long, rambling texts with just enough pseudo-intellectual nonsense to sound impressive. The wild child gets the "high-energy" treatment—short, witty replies and a constant stream of "what are we getting into tonight?" to keep her hooked. And the cozy one gets the "sincere and sensitive" package, complete with "awws" and talk about our "connection."
Last night was a symphony of deceit. I was at some quaint little bistro with the cozy one, having a "deep" conversation about our childhood pets, while under the table I was furiously texting the wild child that my "urgent work thing" was dragging on but I'd "definitely" meet up with her crew later. All the while, I had a "good morning, you were on my mind" text already scheduled to go to the intellectual one at 7 a.m. the next day. It's the little touches that sell the performance.
Some guys play fantasy football. I play fantasy relationships. And right now, I'm undefeated. The real thrill isn't just the chase; it's the logistical brilliance of keeping three separate narratives running simultaneously without tripping over a single lie. I'm not just a player; I'm the goddamn director, and this show is a hit.