Fucked my first cougar that I met
on a dating app, and I think I accidentally dated my way into a new species of human.Her profile said "48 and fabulous," which I now know is ancient code for "I have the energy of a coked-up squirrel and the libido of a teenage boy who just discovered internet porn." I showed up to the date thinking I'd be paying for her fancy dinner. Instead, she picked me up in a convertible that smelled like success and questionable life choices, and informed me we were "skipping the small talk."
We didn't even make it to her bedroom. She pushed me against her ridiculously clean kitchen island—which, I later learned, was marble imported from Italy, because of course it was—and attacked my face with a level of enthusiasm I usually reserve for pizza. I was still trying to figure out if we were kissing or if she was just trying to inhale my soul when she started ripping my shirt. Buttons flew. I think one took out a wine glass. I don't care. I'd buy her a thousand wine glasses.
The sex was like being in a tornado of pleasurable confusion. She was directing me with the confidence of a film director. "No, left hip higher," "A little to the right, sweetie, you're not drilling for oil," "Now say my ex-husband's name." (I did not. I'm not an idiot.) At one point, she literally stopped, grabbed her phone, and said, "Hold on, my pelvic floor app is telling me to do my kegels." I've never been more turned on and terrified in my life.
Afterward, as I lay there trying to remember my own name, she casually got up, poured two glasses of whiskey, and handed me one. "So," she said, completely composed while I looked like I'd just been through a car wash. "About that third date. My son's getting married next month. You'll need a suit."
I fucked my first cougar, and I think I might have a boyfriend now. Or a sugar mama. Or maybe I just agreed to be arm candy at a wedding I don't understand. Honestly, I'm not sure, but I do know I'm supposed to buy new sheets. Hers were apparently "too threadbare for my vigorous needs."